Monday, September 18, 2006
Hard Wired review/fake interview - Strangelove
(The Scene: Ex-Black Box Recorder singer Sarah Nixey is a headmistress sitting behind her desk in her office. There is a knock on the door.)
Ms Nixey: "Ah, yes, Moses, do come in."
(Stuart Moses, Hard Wired’s Goth reviewer enters. Takes a seat. Ms Nixey takes a few moments to study the papers in front of her.)
Ms Nixey: "So what is this I hear about you reviewing my new single for popular review site Hard Wired? According to this review you are planning to say that 'Strangelove' is more of the same, with my stern, yet sexy, almost spoken vocals sitting on top of the faux-glam synth backing not unlike that adopted by Goldfrapp. You've written here that the single contains chanted 'hey heys' but that we are a world away from Suzi Quatro? I also read that you intend to say that I make simple pop platitudes such as 'I'm gonna stir it around' and 'Turn it upside down' sound threatening, yet strangely enticing?"
(Stuart nods slowly)
Ms Nixey: "And am I right in saying that you intend to describe me as the Goth Rachel Stevens?"
(Stuart looks at the floor in embarrassment.)
Ms Nixey: "And what is this that I read you have to say about the first of the three b-sides 'The Collector meets Comma?'"
(Stuart mumbles indistinctly)
Ms Nixey: "Do you intend to say that this is the most mainstream mix of the three? Are you planning to say the atmosphere reminds you of author John Fowles' book of the same title? Do you also ruminate that this song is unusual because I am usually in control, yet in this song I appear to be the victim, or at best a third party narrator?"
(Stuart nods)
Ms Nixey: "And is it your intention to describe 'The Collector Meets Infantjoy' as sounding like David Sylvian's solo work? That you prefer my vocals to be less stretched and tampered with, but the exquisite new synthesizer part makes up for it, recalling as it does some of The The's quieter moments?"
(Stuart nods)
Ms Nixey: "And will you say that the pace picks up for 'The Collector meets Pete Davis' which is perhaps the most radical reinvention? That you are least keen on this remix, despite the fact that at last night’s school disco this was what got most pupils on the dancefloor?”
(Stuart nods mournfully)
Ms Nixey: "Frankly I am displeased by your ill thought out criticisms. I am extremely disappointed by your arrogant belief that anyone cares what you think about music. As a punishment you must listen to the next Westlife single 100 times and write me an essay detailing why Shayne Ward is the future of pop music."
(Stuart clutches his head in his hands and screams) Stuart: "Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
by Stuart Moses at hard-wired
Ms Nixey: "Ah, yes, Moses, do come in."
(Stuart Moses, Hard Wired’s Goth reviewer enters. Takes a seat. Ms Nixey takes a few moments to study the papers in front of her.)
Ms Nixey: "So what is this I hear about you reviewing my new single for popular review site Hard Wired? According to this review you are planning to say that 'Strangelove' is more of the same, with my stern, yet sexy, almost spoken vocals sitting on top of the faux-glam synth backing not unlike that adopted by Goldfrapp. You've written here that the single contains chanted 'hey heys' but that we are a world away from Suzi Quatro? I also read that you intend to say that I make simple pop platitudes such as 'I'm gonna stir it around' and 'Turn it upside down' sound threatening, yet strangely enticing?"
(Stuart nods slowly)
Ms Nixey: "And am I right in saying that you intend to describe me as the Goth Rachel Stevens?"
(Stuart looks at the floor in embarrassment.)
Ms Nixey: "And what is this that I read you have to say about the first of the three b-sides 'The Collector meets Comma?'"
(Stuart mumbles indistinctly)
Ms Nixey: "Do you intend to say that this is the most mainstream mix of the three? Are you planning to say the atmosphere reminds you of author John Fowles' book of the same title? Do you also ruminate that this song is unusual because I am usually in control, yet in this song I appear to be the victim, or at best a third party narrator?"
(Stuart nods)
Ms Nixey: "And is it your intention to describe 'The Collector Meets Infantjoy' as sounding like David Sylvian's solo work? That you prefer my vocals to be less stretched and tampered with, but the exquisite new synthesizer part makes up for it, recalling as it does some of The The's quieter moments?"
(Stuart nods)
Ms Nixey: "And will you say that the pace picks up for 'The Collector meets Pete Davis' which is perhaps the most radical reinvention? That you are least keen on this remix, despite the fact that at last night’s school disco this was what got most pupils on the dancefloor?”
(Stuart nods mournfully)
Ms Nixey: "Frankly I am displeased by your ill thought out criticisms. I am extremely disappointed by your arrogant belief that anyone cares what you think about music. As a punishment you must listen to the next Westlife single 100 times and write me an essay detailing why Shayne Ward is the future of pop music."
(Stuart clutches his head in his hands and screams) Stuart: "Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
by Stuart Moses at hard-wired
Infantjoy on iTunes
